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9 things you should never say in bed

9 things you should never say in bed


Written by Katie Byrne


You really don't want to hear these sentences uttered in the bedroom...

 

#1 "Huh! That thing you just did reminded me of that time ages ago when my ex..."

Who even does that? The cardinal sin of coital passion: mentioning the ex-partner. Because obviously.

#2 "So... How would you score what we just did? Like, literally. I want a number. Or a percentage. Whichever you prefer."

No matter what answer the other person gives, it won't be good enough: there's either too much room to improve or too much to try and match next time. 

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#3 "You want to hear my fantasy? Okay, so it involves the girl/guy in my office..."

Obviously, everyone has fantasies. Dreaming about Brad Pitt or a random fireman sweeping you off your feet is one thing - but telling your partner quite candidly you have a crush on the guy you see on the train every morning is a little different. 

#4 "How was your day then?"

Casual chat mid-sex has the potential to be a bit of a passion-killer. Call us kill-joys, but talking about the photocopier drama at work or the particularly exciting salad you had at lunchtime just isn't all that, um, sexy. 

#5 "Um... Are you nearly there yet? It's just I want to watch EastEnders/wash my hair/answer some emails..."

You might as well just say: hurry up, this is really not holding my interest.

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#6 "Your sex face is weird tonight."

There is no reply to this that doesn't involve crushing embarrassment and a smidge of rage.

#7 "You turned the cooker off, right? I think I can smell burning..."

Because no matter how hot things are in the bedroom, flames spouting from electrical appliances are never cool. 

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#8 "Sorry, I just got a notification that my clan is ready for battle. I'll just be a minute."

Keep phones out of the bedroom, people. Responding to that Candy Crush Saga request the moment you receive it is tantamount to saying: hang on, you're less important than animated sweets. 

#9 "Do you think we should get new curtains?"

Nothing says lost-in-the-moment-ecstacy like noticing you need new blinds, or that there's a hole in your eiderdown. 'Curtain' and 'eiderdown' - arguably the two sexiest words in the English language.


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